Love and Its Paradoxes

Seduction and passion are always present at the beginning, but the danger comes very quickly. The daily routine, followed by the fight for the power as the responsibilities accumulate, and then comes the inevitable divorce. After the divorce, the same scenario seems to repeat itself an accelerated way.

If everybody wants happiness, why does the worst always have to arrive after the best? This is what I like to call the relationship paradox.

Paradoxical Intention
Let’s talk about the paradoxical intention. It means to obtain the contrary of what we really want. If I ask you to not think about a pink elephant, is it possible? The answer is no. As much as you try, all you are going to think about is a pink elephant.

The First Paradox
We have the same problem with those “near to the end couples.” It is always the same reproaches, the same dissatisfactions, and the same illusions. It’s the first paradox; whatever attracted us in the beginning, we can’t stand anymore.

The Relationship Paradox
He had so much self-confidence and always surprised her with new ideas. He was so active and knew what he wanted. He was a real man, always ready to move and conquer the world. He had everything she always wanted, so she fell in love.

But today, she needs someone who is calm and ready to spend some sentimental evenings only with her. Someone to talk about their relationship instead of always working. We look for somebody who satisfies our needs at the time but when that need is filled what was perceived as a quality becomes a defect. We start to desire what we don’t or can not have. The grass is always greener on the other side, and we want what we perceive is better. As two people get to know each other, their mutual admiration increases. Unfortunately, after the phase of seduction, we realize and notice the imperfections of our partner.

the war

We also feel more passion and are in love with an idealized image of our partner and not with a real person. At the beginning of a relationship, the desire is quickly renewed. This is due to the feeling of insecurity, anxiety, and never knowing if you’ll lose the person. You try to take care, but the desire saturates because of a big availability of the partner, to its presence, and by considering your partner as something you have won and you’ll keep forever. Distance is necessary for the survival of desire, imagination, and fantasy. The sexual relations are never so intense as after a temporary separation. It is when our is not there when we realize how much we wish they were here.

The Ultimate Paradox

We know that the passion at the beginning cannot last. After the seduction settles down, there is generally a consolidation phase of the relationship. If one partner is more in love than the other, a dangerous game begins. When the dominant partner goes away, the dependent one makes efforts to re-seduce the other to avoid the feeling of insecurity and satisfy the need of love and attention. That scares off the dominant one. It causes the vicious cycle of “the more you avoid me, the more I will pursue you,” and “the more you pursue me, the more I will avoid you,” to begin.

Love has many paradoxes, however we are mostly unaware of them. They are something that we encounter in most every relationship, although until they are pointed out to us, we usually ignore. Once we are able to open our eyes to the paradoxes within our relationship, we will be able to stop playing games and fall in love with the one person that was meant for us.



7 thoughts on “Love and Its Paradoxes

  1. Hi dear Edina. Thank U for sharing this article. It´s seems the eternal battle of ego vs love. Inside every human being, two opposing forces battle against one another: love and ego. Each has its own agenda, suggestions, and ideas, and they are almost always opposite. It’s up to us to choose which we will allow to govern our lives. Love draws us toward the good. It moves us to be kind and sensitive, and it admonishes us when we are unkind or neglectful. It is not manners or upbringing, but the force of love in us that makes us feel so uneasy with being angry, rude, reactive, jumpy, or paranoid.
    Every heart is sensitive to love’s requirements. Even if no outer voice called on us to love, we would call on ourselves. Our conscience is love’s voice speaking from within. If we followed our hearts, love would govern our every move, and we’d create beauty wherever we go, for example, in a stable, lasting relationship, respect, communication, appreciation and support your partner at all times. But to ego, love is dangerous. The painful parts of love are threatening, and so are the good parts. Rejection and conflict can be threatening, in the sense that they create pain and no one likes pain. But then so are commitment, surrender, and trust. Even pleasure threatens ego, particularly great pleasure. A lot of love is too much for ego. Too much to give. Too much to take. If ever love raises its beautiful head too high, ego gets uncomfortable, and reacts in ugly ways, because it knows that if love rules in our hearts and minds, egoism is out.
    “Too much love” begins to call ego’s ways—selfishness, self-protection, fear, doubt, defense and offense—into question. Wherever that love light shines, all such junk sticks out like a sore thumb.
    So, ego not only fears that loving will result in hurt, it also fears that if we love too deeply, too happily, we will abandon the ego-concept (of separation and self-protection) altogether. Ego fears its undoing in love.
    Lasting partner relationships seem difficult? think they are. It´s important that every morning each decide between love and ego, offering the best of each, like the first day!

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