Seduction and passion are always present at the beginning, but the danger comes very quickly. The daily routine, followed by the fight for the power as the responsibilities accumulate, and then comes the inevitable divorce. After the divorce, the same scenario seems to repeat itself an accelerated way.
If everybody wants happiness, why does the worst always have to arrive after the best? This is what I like to call the relationship paradox.
Let’s talk about the paradoxical intention. It means to obtain the contrary of what we really want. If I ask you to not think about a pink elephant, is it possible? The answer is no. As much as you try, all you are going to think about is a pink elephant.
The First Paradox
We have the same problem with those “near to the end couples.” It is always the same reproaches, the same dissatisfactions, and the same illusions. It’s the first paradox; whatever attracted us in the beginning, we can’t stand anymore.
The Relationship Paradox
He had so much self-confidence and always surprised her with new ideas. He was so active and knew what he wanted. He was a real man, always ready to move and conquer the world. He had everything she always wanted, so she fell in love.
But today, she needs someone who is calm and ready to spend some sentimental evenings only with her. Someone to talk about their relationship instead of always working. We look for somebody who satisfies our needs at the time but when that need is filled what was perceived as a quality becomes a defect. We start to desire what we don’t or can not have. The grass is always greener on the other side, and we want what we perceive is better. As two people get to know each other, their mutual admiration increases. Unfortunately, after the phase of seduction, we realize and notice the imperfections of our partner.
We also feel more passion and are in love with an idealized image of our partner and not with a real person. At the beginning of a relationship, the desire is quickly renewed. This is due to the feeling of insecurity, anxiety, and never knowing if you’ll lose the person. You try to take care, but the desire saturates because of a big availability of the partner, to its presence, and by considering your partner as something you have won and you’ll keep forever. Distance is necessary for the survival of desire, imagination, and fantasy. The sexual relations are never so intense as after a temporary separation. It is when our is not there when we realize how much we wish they were here.
The Ultimate Paradox
We know that the passion at the beginning cannot last. After the seduction settles down, there is generally a consolidation phase of the relationship. If one partner is more in love than the other, a dangerous game begins. When the dominant partner goes away, the dependent one makes efforts to re-seduce the other to avoid the feeling of insecurity and satisfy the need of love and attention. That scares off the dominant one. It causes the vicious cycle of “the more you avoid me, the more I will pursue you,” and “the more you pursue me, the more I will avoid you,” to begin.
Love has many paradoxes, however we are mostly unaware of them. They are something that we encounter in most every relationship, although until they are pointed out to us, we usually ignore. Once we are able to open our eyes to the paradoxes within our relationship, we will be able to stop playing games and fall in love with the one person that was meant for us.